someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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