Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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