Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
