my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
