Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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