I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
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