:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
