make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
