I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
