K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
