yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
