when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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