oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
