Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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