I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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