I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
