Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
