If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
