I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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