So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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