it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
