look no pants
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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