there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
