My boss' voice literally gives me gas
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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