my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
