I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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