we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
