A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
