why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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