I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
