My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
