Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
