the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
