i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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