bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize