overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
fuck your aforementioned shoe
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
