he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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