I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
