I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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