Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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