I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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