My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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