It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
