I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
