My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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