life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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