a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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