Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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