We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize