Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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