well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
