before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize