I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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