I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
you will always have a special place in my vag
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
