Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
