Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
